Day 760

Nobody talks about my arm any more, they stopped asking how I lost it a year or so back. I'm not sure if it's the new prosthetic I have or if people are becoming more polite but I'm not going to kick up a scene about it. It wasn't particularly traumatic for me anyway, I was too young to properly remember anything other than the shiny white hospital and a nurse who called me "sweetie" with every sentence.

Apparently I was lucky it was only my arm and a couple of toes, meningitis has been known to kill kids who are as young as I was at the time. If anything I gained a permanent friend after all was said and done. I don't remember exactly when it started, I just know that when things get tough for me, a tiny cold hand holds where my left arm should be and stays with me until things get better.

Sometimes it's only a little squeeze of my fingers, other times the small hand holds mine and writes letters to me. Over the years I've gotten quite good at reading them and even replying using my own phantom limb until the little hand says goodnight or holds my wrist as their way of saying "I'm tired, let's talk later, okay?" and that's fine by me.

They've never told me their name, only that they saw me in the hospital when I was recovering from the amputation. Well, they saw my severed arm at least. Apparently the dead can only see other dead things, otherwise they just walk along nothingness. The small person (who still hasn't confirmed if they're a child or not) can only see my arm and says it's quite worrying but they know they'll recognise me when I go and "lead me out safely". Whatever that means.

I know it doesn't mean they want me dead, on the contrary they've saved me a couple of times now. Once from a drunk driver who swerved off the road and onto the pavement - the small hand yanked me back to safety. The other time I was being held at knife point by a mugger who had a "heart attack" right in front of me. The small hand said they'd "lead him out early" to protect me. From what they described it was something akin to the way they pull my hand but they pulled a lot harder that time.

For a while I started deliberately making things worse for myself so the small hand would come and I could find out more about them but they caught on quickly. They grabbed where my phantom left wrist and gripped it so tightly I heard a loud crack and felt nothing but agony from that side for almost 2 months. They apologised every day, saying that they wanted to pull me out of the bad spiral I was getting into. I don't know if I should feel grateful for their "help" or worried that they can hurt me this much.