Day 880

Due to the recent spate of spiritual possessions that have been occurring in large chain supermarkets all over the county, the following guidelines have been approved by the government to aid in prevention, protection and proper disposal of any and all possessed objects.

1. When a spirit finds itself in a state of distress, discomfort or general dissatisfaction there lies the temptation to join itself to a non-organic physical object.
2. Spirits in general have little to no impulse control (a curiosity that is being looked into by top scientists, assure you, our dear public) and due to a combination of expansions into consecrated ground and dwindling religious opinions, they have few reasons to NOT become a nuisance.
3. When confronting a spirit poised to possess an item, kindly note the item in question and any unique markings or peculiarities before reporting the object to the authorities using the number listed on the reverse of this informative bulletin.

Once the spirit has indicated that they are capable of hearing you, clearly state the following.

1. Dearly departed, do pardon the intrusion but it seems as though you are about to insert your spiritual form into [name of object].
2. [Should the spirit confirm that they are indeed about to do the aforementioned action] I would ask that you kindly reconsider this action as your form would alter beyond anything vaguely humanoid and you may even lose your ability to leave it which would be most dreadful and leave you stranded and slowly decomposing.
3. [Should the spirit confirm that they were not about to do the aforementioned action] Please accept my sincerest apologies, dearly departed. I only speak out of concern for your incorporeal well-being and do hope that you have a pleasant day.

If you should suspect that you are in the company of a possessed item or person, consider the following symptoms of possession before referring to the number provided and alerting the authorities that the item is in need of proper disposal in order to free the spirit and lay them to rest.

1. Be on the lookout for items that aren't meant to be skin coloured (referring to the base spectrum of skin tone provided in Diagram B and remembering that skin tine is broader still) gradually taking on a rosy or sunkissed tone. Other symptoms of similar ilk include a fine layer of hair, unusual warmth and the development of eyelids, teeth and fingers,
2. Movement is another key symptom, namely unusual or impossible movements. The example provided is that of a shopping basket, perfectly ordinary in colouration and lack of hair but attempting to walk using broken handles as though they were arms. Note the fluidity of the dragging motion, indicating the item has been possessed for at least a fortnight.
3. Speech seemingly coming from no particular source, while harder to pinpoint to an object, is a crucial sign that an item has been overcome by a displaced spirit. Phrases may be repeated conversations (overheard or remembered), generic creepy sayings (like "I'm behind you", "I can taste your fear","None of this is real", etcetera).

Bearing all of these in mind, the government advises you to take the summary leaflets provided in all major shopping chains, local confectioneries and all public libraries.

Remember: If it doesn't seem nice, don't think twice, call the police!