Our community has won "Village of The Year" seven times in a row. We all pride yourselves on being one of the most, if not the most, hospitable villages in the United Kingdom. Nobody is ever turned away, no hitchhiker is left behind, no broken down vehicle goes unassisted and the rooms above the tavern are never empty.
It's all just another part of the unspoken rules that keep our village at its peak and appease That Which We Can't Name So That We May Live Another Day. Of course, we don't talk about Them to strangers, oh no. Not even the Pryce-Raleigh family who moved in five years ago know about Them but we think they might be moving on soon anyway. By us or Other means.
As someone we class as a "long term resident" we feel that it's only right to let you in on the lesser spoken traditions so that you and your family can keep them going after the rest of us pass on by whatever means. That Which We Can't Name So That We May Live Another Day is far more active when fresh blood lingers about the place.
It brings me to our first rule - keep the blood flowing. Never let anybody overstay their welcome but make sure they stay for at least three days. It confuses That Which We Can't Name So That We May Live Another Day and delays any potential attacks. I'd hate to see it go after the Pryce-Raleighs, they're such a nice family.
The second rule - never leave anyone behind. If you wander ahead, all behind you are dead. That's just how it works around here unfortunately. I lost three classmates by winning a footrace back before racing was cancelled and our famous parallel tandems were popularised.
This rule means anybody you see alone, you have to go to them and keep them company until you can both get away in a small group or at least a trio. As I said before, keep the blood flowing, keep It confused by the variety of scents, sounds and sights so that you live another day.
Finally, but most importantly - do everything you can to keep the village picture perfect. The tourist influx is a true Godsend and losing our status, losing the flow of blood could doom us all and we wouldn't want That Which We Can't Name So That We May Live Another Day to end yet another village.
We certainly aren't Its first, you know. Have you ever heard of Bishop's Threadwood? What about Lark-Hempsted-Upon-Stour? Or Mowstock? They weren't much bigger than us but they all made mistakes that we've learnt from.
The news will never report a village going missing, not even their Village of The Year winners. It's bad for country morale and who can even remember how many villages there are or where they are when London's such a bright, shiny hive of activity?
Keep the rules, keep the blood flowing and keep us on the map.
We're counting on you, lad.
It's all just another part of the unspoken rules that keep our village at its peak and appease That Which We Can't Name So That We May Live Another Day. Of course, we don't talk about Them to strangers, oh no. Not even the Pryce-Raleigh family who moved in five years ago know about Them but we think they might be moving on soon anyway. By us or Other means.
As someone we class as a "long term resident" we feel that it's only right to let you in on the lesser spoken traditions so that you and your family can keep them going after the rest of us pass on by whatever means. That Which We Can't Name So That We May Live Another Day is far more active when fresh blood lingers about the place.
It brings me to our first rule - keep the blood flowing. Never let anybody overstay their welcome but make sure they stay for at least three days. It confuses That Which We Can't Name So That We May Live Another Day and delays any potential attacks. I'd hate to see it go after the Pryce-Raleighs, they're such a nice family.
The second rule - never leave anyone behind. If you wander ahead, all behind you are dead. That's just how it works around here unfortunately. I lost three classmates by winning a footrace back before racing was cancelled and our famous parallel tandems were popularised.
This rule means anybody you see alone, you have to go to them and keep them company until you can both get away in a small group or at least a trio. As I said before, keep the blood flowing, keep It confused by the variety of scents, sounds and sights so that you live another day.
Finally, but most importantly - do everything you can to keep the village picture perfect. The tourist influx is a true Godsend and losing our status, losing the flow of blood could doom us all and we wouldn't want That Which We Can't Name So That We May Live Another Day to end yet another village.
We certainly aren't Its first, you know. Have you ever heard of Bishop's Threadwood? What about Lark-Hempsted-Upon-Stour? Or Mowstock? They weren't much bigger than us but they all made mistakes that we've learnt from.
The news will never report a village going missing, not even their Village of The Year winners. It's bad for country morale and who can even remember how many villages there are or where they are when London's such a bright, shiny hive of activity?
Keep the rules, keep the blood flowing and keep us on the map.
We're counting on you, lad.
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