Day 843

To disassociate with yourself is to see and feel your body as a thing that isn't you. I do this from time to time involuntarily and it always worries me that one day I'll get stuck somewhere not quite outside of myself to be considered projecting but definitely not able to control my body.

It's like I stop being me and start watching a recording of my body just existing as a meat sack with a shaky autopilot. Occasionally it'll happen while I'm doing something like getting dressed or making a cup of tea and I'll continue to do the rest of the activity until I reach the point where muscle memory stops and I'm left standing still like a robot come to the end of its command chain.

Every now and then though, usually during an evening episode, I'll find my hands moving and clenching while I can't control them. They twist and the bones creak but I never feel a thing until the episode ends and I'm left with painful sprains and bruises all over wherever they've decided to grip.

I keep meaning to try and be near a mirror when an episode strikes to that I can see if my hands are being moved by something. It certainly seems like someone wants to move my arms while I'm away and I wonder what would happen if they managed to kick me out of myself. Would I be a better person?